Here are the ten lessons we have learned from our ten years of marriage. All the insights and thoughts about marriage that work for us.
Recently, Luke and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. We went to dinner and just enjoyed each other’s company. While out, I started thinking about the last ten years. How did we make it this long? What is it about our marriage that seems to work for us? What lessons from ten years of marriage have I learned that I would share with others for their benefit and advice? Here are my ten lessons.
(Note: I am not a marriage expert. I am not a therapist or someone who knows the human condition. These are lessons I have learned from my marriage. This works for us.)
1. Make Your Marriage a Priority
Every day you will wake up, and you have a choice. You can make your marriage the top priority, or you can choose something else. Making your marriage the top priority can be hard. Sometimes it means planning a date night during a busy season because you feel disconnected from your partner. Sometimes it means choosing your spouse over your children. (Remember: Your children will leave your house one day, and that’s the goal. Your spouse will be by your side forever. Choose them.) Sometimes it means withdrawing from groups of friends that cause hostility between you and your spouse. If a long-lasting marriage is your goal, then you and your spouse need to make your marriage a priority.
2. Say “I’m Sorry”
This seems like some really basic advice, but when you mess up, say, “I’m sorry.” THAT’s IT! Don’t add any buts or excuses. If you are truly sorry, you don’t need to add any caveat. This can be really difficult because it means admitting fault. But in a marriage, you will make mistakes. You will be at fault. That’s ok. WE are humans and we are fallible, but when we say we are sorry and show remorse, it is easy for our spouse to find forgiveness.
3. Luke’s Lessons: Be Fair
When you get married, it can be hard going from the family you were born into to a new family. I understand wanting to spend every holiday with your family, but you need to be fair. One thing Luke and I agreed to early on was to be fair with the holidays. We give our families equal time and try to accommodate both families’ vacations and activities. I think we do a pretty good job of it.
4. Communication is Key
One of the things we learned early on in our marriage was to be vocal when we are doing something the other doesn’t like. Luke used to leave the cabinets open in the kitchen, and it would drive me crazy. I would, to be honest, think, “Doesn’t he know how much this bugs me?” and I realized that no, he doesn’t, because I never told him. If something is bugging you and making you upset, you need to speak up. If your spouse tells you that you are doing something that upsets them, you must listen and try to work on it. Marriage is about honestly communicating when your needs aren’t being met.
5. Remember You are On The Same Team
If you want to have a long-lasting marriage, you need to admit that you are on the same team. There may be some moments where you disagree, and that’s ok. Part of marriage is realizing that you both want your marriage to last, and you both sometimes have different views on how to make your marriage work. You should never feel like it’s you versus your spouse. If you do, then you need to talk about it. It should always be the world versus you and your spouse. You are always on each other’s team.
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6. Be Interested in Your Spouses Interests
This can sometimes be a struggle if there’s something your spouse is into that you don’t care for. But it’s very important to at least be interested in what interests your spouse has. Luke loves golf, and so I play golf with him from time to time. Am I a fan of playing golf? No, but I do it to spend time with Luke. I love reading books and telling Luke about what I’m reading. Does he care? Maybe not, but he still listens. We both go out of our way to show interest in each other’s interests.
7. Make Time for Each Other Without Kids
This is important because you need to remember that your marriage exists outside of the children. In the ten years we have been married, I can say that when we actively make time for each other without the kids, are marriage is stronger. Whether this means planning date nights or even just watching our TV shows on the couch together after the kids are asleep. Either way, we both enjoy spending time together alone.
8. Don’t Undermine Your Spouses Parenting
This is hands down one of the biggest issues I’ve seen in other marriages. If your spouse sets a boundary for your kids or disciplines them, you DO NOT undermine them. You may not agree with them and that’s normal, but NEVER say that in front of your children. Always address it when you are alone. The reason for this is that it can cause resentment in the parent who was undermined. It also teaches the children that you will take their side and you’re not on your spouse’s team.
9. Marriage is a Verb
What I mean by that is that marriage is always growing or changing. It is work. It’s something you must do every day. Some days, your spouse could be in a bad mood or struggling at work. They may not show up in a way we want them to. It’s work to love someone and choose someone who’s not easy to be around because they are going through a hard time. But marriage is work. It’s showing up even on hard days because you know your spouse will show up for you on your hard days.
10. Show Gratitude and Appreciation
At the end of the day, our marriage thrives when we show gratitude and appreciation for each other’s efforts. This doesn’t mean posting on social media and saying what a great person they are. No, it means actively showing them and telling them how much you appreciate all the work they do. We like to do this at the dinner table when either Luke or I makes a meal from scratch. We always acknowledge the meal and say thanks. Also, it shows the kids that we appreciate each other’s efforts.
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Final Thoughts
I hope you enjoyed my ten lessons from ten years of marriage. Again, I’m not a marriage expert. These are just the things that we do to help keep our marriage strong. If you have some lessons you have learned throughout your relationships, let me know in the comments below. I love hearing from all of you.
Lastly, if you enjoyed this post or found inspiration in reading this, please share it on your social media. I appreciate all the love and support.
Thanks for reading,
Kel
